Kisame Doesn't Like Itachi's Boyfriend
by SchwarzShifter
Summary: Crack Fic! Kisame explains to Itachi why he's lost his mind, and gets the fright of his life. Pairing: Hidan/Itachi. Rather OOC. Oneshot. Rated T for yaoi. Bellatrix is only briefly mentioned.


**A/N: Well this was fun =) Don't ask me why they're at Hogwarts, I have no idea. Some sort of long term mission, like Kisame says. DISCLAIMER: I own none of these characters, nor the worlds they live and work in. Pairing: Hidan/Itachi 3**

"Itachi," Kisame said one day, his eyes fixed on his partner, "You're not sane anymore." Itachi raised an eyebrow at him, looking up from the window. "I'm not even kidding, Itachi."

"And… why do you think I'm not sane anymore?" He finally responded, humouring his partner, who clearly had been debating whether to say this or not for a while.

"Well, there are several reasons," Kisame said, settling himself down on the windowsill by Itachi. He folded his hands on his lap, looked seriously into Itachi's swirling red eyes, and began, "There's power. The Mangekyō sharingan, for one. Not even the Mangekyō, just the sharingan in general, is causing you to look at the world differently. Having it on, you see the world differently from other people. I'm not quite sure what you see, of course, seeing as I don't have it, but I can tell you're in a completely different world when you have it activated. Not to mention, you said once how much of a drain on your chakra it is, to have it activated for long periods of time. You don't say that anymore. In fact, you have it activated almost constantly." Itachi lowered his head, and subtly let his eyes bleed back into black, the red from his eyes seemingly spilling itself over the bridge of his nose in a delicate blush, before fading. After all, he was an Uchiha, and he didn't blush like some civilian fangirl when the bishie of her choice scolded her. Not that Kisame was his bishie of choice. His mind went longingly to silver hair and red eyes, before his partner's voice jerked him back to the present. "And I can feel what it's doing to your chakra. Trying to feel it now, I'd say you have about the levels of a civilian! You're not conserving it anymore, or storing it – as soon as a scrap of chakra is restored in your body, it's immediately spent in keeping you alive. You don't sleep, you don't eat, you barely talk, and you train like your maniac of a brother after you told him he was too weak to kill! It's as though you were trying to kill yourself." Kisame paused to take a breath, then continued his scolding. "Not only is power making you crazy, but guilt is, too, don't look at me like that!" Kisame cried as Itachi's gaze sharpened, not into the normal sharingan, but into the three-bladed Mangekyō. "If you use Tsukiyomi on me, I'll kill you," he said, voice pitched a bit higher than normal. Forget Itachi's chakra reserves, if Itachi could scrounge up the chakra to put him under a second of Tsukiyomi, he would be so screwed over, he couldn't kill Itachi even if the kid passed out on top of him.

"I wouldn't waste the effort," Itachi growled, eyes reddening into the three tomoe of the ordinary sharingan. "And I do not feel guilty." Kisame raised an eyebrow.

"You're in a lose-lose situation here, Itachi. You massacred your whole family save one on the orders of a village that threw you to the dogs the second their dirty work was done. Either you feel guilty for killing them, and that's messing with your head, or you _don't_ feel guilty for killing them, in which case your head was already seriously screwed to begin with. And don't try to kill me for telling the truth, either, cause someone has to tell you, and if you kill me, you'll be left partner-less on a long-term mission, go through hell from Pein when you get back, _and_ have no one to tell you that you're so cracked in the head, it's a wonder you still function." Itachi growled, dangerous, but he was cut off as Kisame decided to forge through into a full-blown rant, figuring if he was going to die, he might as well get it off his chest.

"And your _boyfriend!_ For the sake of all that is evil, don't even get me started on him! The man is a raving lunatic! Stark mad, I tell you! Spouting off crap about Jashin every sentence, going through those sick, bloody rituals, absolutely _no_ battle tactics, loud-mouthed, disrespectful, suicidal, and did I mention _a raving lunatic!_ I mean, the man's laugh could put this world's Bellatrix LeStrange to shame! If she ever met him, she'd sob her heart out that someone is more of a psycho than she is! He loves to talk, he loves to hear the sound of his own voice, he draws out battles with stupid theatrics, his weapon is the messiest piece of scrap metal I have ever seen forged into something useable, and his method of making himself into some kind of sick voodoo doll just creeps me out! Did I mention the way he laughs? And the way he barely breathes in between, and when he does, he's practically sucking in air in dying gulps? And that's not even mentioning that the man's practically a bloody ZOMBIE! I mean, he got his _head chopped off_, and there's Kakuzu, just stitching it back like there's no problem while the loon is bitching about how _Kakuzu almost pulled out his hair_! For fuck's sake, he wasn't even attached to his body!" Kisame paused in his rant to catch a breath, and looked at Itachi to see how he was taking all this. His eyes widened in horror.

Itachi's eyes were unfocused and glassy, his head tilted to the side, his mouth in a cat-like, curved smile, and the whole look on his face sang _love-sick_ in bubbly pink letters made of cloyingly sweet smoke. It freaked Kisame out to no end. Even the tomoe in his sharingan seemed to be making little hearts of themselves.

"Ehehehe… I'll… just… go then, Itachi-san…" Kisame managed, running his tongue over his teeth only to wince as the shark-like structures filled his mouth with the metallic taste of blood. Itachi hummed in response. _Hummed._ Kisame sprang to his feet and nearly flew out of the tower in fear, pausing to double over behind a suit of armour three floors away. "My partner…" he gasped, curling into himself in a corner, "has officially _LOST IT!_"


End file.
